I do have some happy news to share with you also, the nightmares have faded, the waking stomach cramps have disappeared and my heart is unbroken. I've recently met the love of my life his name is Adam (Sylph)and he's exquisite, he is everything I've ever wanted, he is everything I've been looking for and he is everything I need. I've waited for what seems a lifetime for someone to walk into my life and sweep me off my feet and love me and that's exactly what Adam did. He caught my eye many years ago, there was a picture of him on myspace sitting with a few of my other friends, when I looked at him in this photograph a storm of butterflies erupted inside my stomach. I wondered who he was? I wondered why we hadn't met eachother? And I felt I needed to know him. I can remember telling myself that a boy like him would never fall for a girl like me. We met eachother a few months back at electric head at The Victoria in Stoke I couldn't believe it, he looked beautiful. I went over and said hello, I just stood there staring at him and not many words were spoken between us it was quite an unusual moment, we laugh about it now. We dated for awhile after that and kept in touch over the internet. Our relationship blossomed and now we are both very much in love with eachother, we are never apart. Sometimes when I look over at him I think to myself "is this real? Am I actually lying next to him?" When he leans over to kiss me on my forehead and tells me that I'm beautiful I feel as though it's only a matter of time until i wake up and realise its all just a dream. I never thought after waiting so long that such a beautiful boy would come along and make me the happiest girl in the world. I never want to loose him, I'm so scared of loosing him. He is my life now, he has my heart!!
"I ADORE you, you crazy, gorgeous, pretty, wonderful (but also sometimes quite weird-but still lovely) person"...♥
- Current Mood: loved
I knew he would have sex with her. He just can't control himself can he?
- Current Mood: crushed
So today ive had enough, I've told work i'm looking for a new job.
I really need to sort my life out, i feel as though ive achieved nothing and i'm so sick of feeling worthless. I suppose i've paid my debts off which is fantastic, I'm so proud of myself for doing that but that's not good enough i need to save money, I want my own place and i need to get my Motorbike on the road as soon as possible. So whats next for me? Well i am currently saving for my Insurance, tax and MOT for my Motorbike. I shall get that on the road soon i'm hoping. while i'm doing that i shall be looking for a new job. I'm so excited to get my motorbike on the road and to get a new job where i can save alot of pennies and get my own place it will be fantastic. Me and Wishbone in our little gothic style home maybe i could even get a little side car and a pair of googles for Wishbone too so that he can come bike rallies with me. So from now on i shall be trying my best to better my life. I can't carry on like this, i think the only reason i'm so depressed and sad alot of the time is because of my Job and lack of money. (and lack of love) So i guess only i can change that. With everything else that's going on in my life right now it's going to be a little difficult, but i'll cope. I have lot's of friends around me who love me so i shall do fine.
“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?”
I feel so lost, so empty, and so broken inside. </3
It's like these feelings come all of a sudden, feels like a car crash of emotions and i can't control them no matter how hard i try it's insane? I was thinking earlier "Do i have a purpose?" and to be honest i couldn't think of one. I feel as though i have no purpose in this world whatsoever and it hurts. Since December 2007 ive been somewhat living in a dream world. Sometimes i even ask myself am i dreaming? Is this all a dream? I sleep alot these days only because reality for me sucks dick and dreaming is so much better. I guess its me escaping reality? The doctors say it's depression pffft' that's what they have been saying since i was 6 years old i've probably eaten my weight in pills over the years. I need to escape i think, I need to run away from everything and start a new. I cant be here any longer it's
killing me. I want love, i need love, not just any type of love, long lasting, true love.
I'm lost in my own head and at the moment i can't see no light at the end of the tunnel.
It's pitch Black where i am right now.
So i drempt of an airplane crash, all i remember was me and Lynan sitting on the plane and not long after take off the plane it started to spiral out of control, i held Lynan in my arms as the plane lost all control and
To dream of an accident of any kind means:
You're afraid of something catastrophic happening that's out of your control. It mean's you're feeling things are out of control somehow in your life right now, & you feel or fear bad luck or things not going your way.
This wasn't what i planned, my life should of been so different than how it's turned out. I should be in my home right now with the person i love, talking about our future together but now i'm alone with nothing to call my own. I've lost my house and everything in it, well that was my choice i handed it all to him. It's my own stupid fault for being so soft, material possessions mean nothing to me, i'm just happy i have Wishbone. Steven can have everything i don't care anymore. I know i had a serious problem with alcohol and depression but he should of stuck with me through that nearly 8 years together and he couldn't even help me through it (isn't that what true love is all about?) instead he just ignored the fact i was suffering. I asked him for help on several occasions but he ignored my cries. So i got through it alone as i always did, as i always do. All i've ever wanted was somebody to stick by me, help me through the bad times and love me unconditionally but all through my life all i've ever had is people just leave me, love me half heartedly, use me and let me down.
So i hear she has cancer and a sudden pain grips me, a pain ive never felt before. The worst feeling ever is not been able to take the pain away from somebody you love. It rips my heart apart at the very thought of cancer growing aggressively inside of her. It makes me feel like vomiting. I know death happens to us all but i don't understand how people risk there lives all because of an addiction. It will
kill you in the end, it's inevitable.
There are so many jacklin hyde's in this world it scares me.
So many masks people hide behind, It's just so hard to read people.
Why hide behind your mask's. Why can't you just be real and true to yourselves?.